I have to admit, this scene was pretty challenging. I’m usually a dialogue person, and there is no speaking in the vision tent (except the recited blessings of the priestesses), so trying to get everything across without dialogue was fun, and hard! I haven’t quite figured out how to end the scene yet, but it was getting pretty long so I stopped today’s FEF right after the vision. Enjoy!
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR
Beads of sweat trickled down Kindra Odion’s spine as she sat cross-legged in the stillness of the vision tent. The fire had burned down to coals. The only sound was the crack of the embers and the whispered prayers of the High Priestess as she walked slowly between the inductees, blessing their foreheads with her oil-soaked fingers. Kindra’s sister, Kaye, followed behind with a clay pitcher of vision wine.
The long white dress of the High Priestess swished softly as she made her rounds and reached Kindra. The woman dipped her fingers in the bowl of oil, placed them on Kindra’s forehead, and whispered her blessing.
“May Eoin recognize your spirit and welcome it as His own. May He bless you with courage in battle, strength to defeat your enemies, and wisdom to know when the fight is finished.”
Kindra bowed her head and the High Priestess moved on to the Chief. Kaye stepped into her place and handed Kindra the pitcher. “May Eoin bless you with a vision of victory,” she said softly. It was the same thing she said to all of the inductees, but the smile was only for her sister.
Kindra took the pitcher and tipped it back, taking a long drink of the bitter wine. It built a fire in her stomach—the fire of Eoin’s spirit, they said—and her arms and legs began to tingle as she handed the pitcher back.
Kaye moved on and Kindra stared at the coals, waiting for the wine to take full effect. Outside the moon was dark to symbolize the death of their childhood. Tomorrow night, as the first sliver of the new moon appeared, they would become men. Warriors. Eoin’s chosen protectors of the Seven Tribes of Aleda. Kindra would be the first woman chosen in the tribe’s existence.
Another bead of sweat rolled down the smooth skin of her back as the High Priestess threw a handful of dried sage on the coals. Kindra’s eyelids were heavy from the wine and she tried to focus on the small flame that bloomed. When her eyes closed she could still see the flame, black against the red of her eyelids. The blackness grew until it swallowed her sight completely.
She woke on the cliff overlooking the village. Wind pulled at her cloak and lifted her short hair from her neck as dark clouds boiled over each other in the north. Thunder echoed off the mountain on the other side of Camden Valley, but Kindra was strangely calm as she stood on the edge of the cliff. The whipping rock—where the inductees would be taken to prove their strength in the morning—was far below her.
The black clouds moved into Camden, rolling over each other until they became monstrous horses. Lightning flashed from their eyes, rain burst from their nostrils, and their hooves thundered down the valley.
There was a voice, deep and rumbling like the thunder. The voice of the warrior God, Eoin. “Kindra Odion, I will teach you to fly!” A clouded hoof came down, slamming into the cliff so it crumbled beneath her feet. Kindra screamed as she fell and the thunder turned to laughter.
Eoin stood on the ground below. Boulders fell around his feet, cracked the whipping rock in half, and pummeled it into dust. He reached up and caught her wrist before she hit the ground.
~~~~~
What do you think of the new scene? Do you like it better than the whipping scene I started with before? (The whipping scene is still in there, just a few scenes later)
July 20, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Very smooth. Apparently dialogue is not your only strong suit. I only noticed one thing out of place. When you talk about the sweat rolling down her “smooth” back,you take us out of close third person, since she wouldn’t think of her skin as being smooth. That’s what an outside narrator would say.
July 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Thank you so much
I do see your point with the “smooth”, although her mind is very much on the whipping to come so she would be aware that the skin on her back is smooth for the last night of her life. I might have to mention the whipping in the paragraph before. Thanks for the input!
July 21, 2012 at 12:16 am
I like it lots better! It gives a lot more background of what’s going on than the original whipping scene. I wonder if you want to make a little more of Kindra being the first woman warrior here? (You probably have LOTS more about it elsewhere; I haven’t read most of the FEFridays.)
July 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Yeah, no worries – her being the first woman warrior comes up A LOT in the rest of the book
I’m glad you like it! Thanks for reading, Catharine
July 24, 2012 at 7:21 pm
I like it. I liked the whipping scene as well, and I’m not sure which is better. I’d have to read the whole book, prolly. But the way you’ve included these little tidbits of exposition, it feels very natural, which I think is why it’s so good.
July 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Thank you Rachel
August 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm
I just read your comment on my blog about you having the same problems with filler in your writing as I do. Actually, the scene you show above is nicely clean of filler and exactly the kind of sentences I wish I could write more easily.
August 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm
I worked very hard on this before I put it up. I assure you my rough drafts are loaded with filler
August 9, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Do you hire out to clean up drafts?
August 10, 2012 at 9:45 am
Maybe after I finish this re-write I could be persuaded
August 16, 2012 at 8:01 am
[...] the meantime, if the New First Scene piqued your interest, I’ve put up the first five pages on the WriteOnCon [...]
September 3, 2012 at 1:58 pm
I love the tone of this piece and the introduction of the characters. But I think the vision comes on a bit too quickly. I would love to see the meditation process a bit more. other than that, i was deeply intrigued. You set scenes well. You’re a good writer!I’d like to read more.
September 3, 2012 at 4:12 pm
I was worried that it was a little early for the vision, but I’m also worried that the beginning might be too slow (the old beginning started in the middle of the whipping, which was exciting, but I’ve been told over and over that it was too late into the story). It would be good for building up the sister’s relationship to show more meditation though, since Kaye would have taught Kindra most of what she knows about it
Thank you!
September 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Too late into the story? Oh, poo! I love stories in medias res. But that’s just me. Your other critters are right. It’d probably be best to build the relationship. I agree. Did you ever get to check out my website by the way? I want to see what people think of the layout and design. Any advice would help. Thanks and take care.
September 4, 2012 at 10:22 pm
I did get a chance to stop by your website, and I love the design. I started reading the most recent story, but I didn’t have a chance to finish it yet (stupid work, getting all in the way of my fun!)
I’ll pop back by and finish it asap!